WTF

Doublah vay eff tay eff

Or "songs I played in my yoga class"

Up in Smoke

Eight months. It's been eight months since I quit smoking cigarettes. And to be fully transparent, that wasn't my last drag of that sweet nicotine… I've had a few since then. But eight months ago I was finally able to drink a coffee, have a glass of wine, wait for a bus, or put on a seatbelt without lighting up. 

My relationship with cigarettes was a tenuous one, my habit flickering before becoming fully ignited. Like anyone who smokes, my doing so obviously reflected a certain lack of caring about longevity or wise financial choices. I grew up watching both parents smoke, and swore to myself I'd never be a smoker. It was gross, stupid, and pointless. I had a few tries throughout high school and college, but even working in bars and restaurants for almost a decade couldn't make me cave. 

acting all french and smoking because smoking is cool kids.

When I finished college and moved to France with my then boyfriend, who was a smoker himself, I started to casually smoke a little more frequently. Though we had dated for nearly three years prior to moving to a country that was symbolized by a beret, a baguette, and a smoke, I had still managed to fight off the habit. However, sitting around drinking endless bottles of rosé while talking philosophy with our French friends in tiny smoke-filled apartments finally became too much for me to handle. I began buying my own packs for our late night weekend parties, which slowly bled over into the week. Yet I still maintained a light habit of only about a pack a week. 

I returned to America, ready to leave the smoking habit for good. It no longer suited me and I was starting to feel the effects. 

Then my boyfriend broke my heart. Out of the blue. The love of the past five years of my life, my smoking partner in crime, dealt me a blow I wasn't prepared for. And so I smoked. And I smoked. And I smoked. Some days I couldn't even eat, think, or talk -- but I could sure as hell light a cigarette... or ten. I remember a specific evening when my sister came to my house and forced me into the car so she could drive me to get food. Nothing sounded appetizing, so she insisted on driving past every single restaurant in town, until I finally agreed to a grilled cheese, of which I ate about a bite and a half and washed down with a delicious cigarette, that sweet sweet nicotine taking away my pain. 

I used cigarettes as a breakup crutch for a bit, until I put my life back together. I got a good job, moved into a beautiful apartment with french doors opening onto my private back porch, and bought a car. I started dating and taking control. I owned my youth, and would spend late nights smoking in bed, smoking in the bath, smoking on my porch, smoking in the car, smoking at work, smoking at the pool, and of course smoking at bars (you still can in Atlanta, surprisingly). I had no interest in quitting. I loved smoking. I was never bored, I never had to be idle, all my friends smoked, and smoking was my friend. 

When I moved to New York, the land of $15 packs of smokes, without a job, I knew the habit was unsustainable. I thought the price point alone would be enough to make me stop, but before I knew it i was back home getting a carton, knowing that breaking this addiction was going to be much harder than I thought. 

It was hard. It was so so so so so hard. I basically had to stop going out for the initial few months, knowing that alcohol would be too much pressure to resist the urge to light up. Even halfway through a 4-month intense training program to become a yoga teacher, I was still sneaking cigarettes during the week. I had weened down to only about 1-3 a day, but it seemed impossible to ever drop the last few. Then, I just stopped. I stopped. I felt empty. I felt fidgety. I felt in need of breaks all the time. 

Then I started meditating. I got the breaks. I started practicing breathing exercises, or pranayama. I felt less fidgety. I gave myself breaks. I rode my bike more, no longer needing the walk to the subway for my morning cig. I was able to enjoy my coffee indoors, even in the winter months. 

And like that, I was done being a smoker. 

Ting Cha

At some moments, silence is just absolutely golden.

Birth

I always laughed at the people who acted as if their birthday were the equivalent of a national holiday. Does everyone not realize that birthdays are the ONE thing we all have in common?? We all have one, every single one of us, and every single year at that!

I used to test my parents to see if I didn't mention my birthday, perhaps they would forget. Being the most loving parents ever, they never did. Even this year, they sent me not one, but TWO birthday cards, both of which arrived a day in advance. The middle child in me, always pleading for attention, never gets the fulfillment of that 16 candles moment. I just want to eat cake on a table with a hot guy dammit!

This year I stayed true to form by keeping it low key and not mentioning it to many people. I maintained all of my obligations today, including going to work and teaching a yoga class, because I am a human with a birthday, not a princess with a holiday.

But despite my efforts to keep it a normal day, my emotions were stirred by the contact I had with so many of my loved ones. Today I had the chance to speak with or see nearly all of those whom I care about so deeply. One old friend even called me out of the blue.. With no idea whatsoever the significance of the day.

It all made me think, if birthdays mean I get to tell people how much I love them, then I'll take it. I'm not about to declare November 15 Brittany day, but I sure do feel moved.

And I love you all so much.

You suck at powerpoint

It was a weird weekend and I didn't get much sleep, but I think I finally learned to appreciate powerpoint.

You Suck At PowerPoint! by @jessedee from Jesse Desjardins - @jessedee

Morning person

I have never been a morning person, and no matter how much sleep I get in a given night, I always struggle getting out of bed in the morning. I have tried every tactic, read books on sleeping, subscribed to blogs about how to fall asleep at night and how to wake up in the morning -- but nothing seems to change my ways. 

For a whopping two days in a row, I have gotten out of bed before 6am. Before the sun even peeked its head above the clouds I meditated in the stillness of the early morning before easing into my yoga practice. Afterwards, I still had ample time to drink my coffee, shower, and get ready without having to run out the door in a frazzle. 

With the subways still stagnant in North Brooklyn and no sign of fixing them any time soon, I biked into work, even in the brisk late-autumn temperatures. By the time I arrived at my desk, I had already enjoyed the day, and work seemed like less of a prison sentence. The days are more manageable, I'm better able to focus on the tasks at hand, and rather than procrastinate and put off those menial tasks I can't stand to do, I have instead been blowing through my to-do list, still with energy at the end of the day to cook and enjoy my time alone at home. 

This is not meant to brag. This is not meant to encourage anyone to follow my lead. This is not assuming I will maintain this lifestyle forever. This is rather a way to document how utterly splendid and lively I feel. Tomorrow when the alarm goes off and it is still dark outside, I hope that the first breath into my lungs fills the rest of my being with this feeling of buoyancy and aliveness so that I may embrace another day with an open heart and mind, letting my lightness spread to others

You can't meditate like that

So if I have not already made it abundantly clear, I am a total hippie. And I practice meditation. 

Let me be clear - I don't meditate. Meditation is a state of mind-body-spirit that I can only dream of one day reaching. I practice. 

In finding my own personal form of mediation, I have tried a LOT of things. And I don't think I've 100% got it to a science, but I have some tools I know help me personally, and I will always be refining. Like the practice, we as humans are also evolving and in flux, and so adapting to this is also part of our practice. 

No matter what I do in a day as part of my ongoing practice, I almost always try to give myself a 15 minute, more traditional quiet, mind-clearing still meditation alone in my room. The instructions given by the majority of teachers I've encountered in my studies recommend not lying down. Though many of the meditation techniques come from the East, most teachers know that when Westerners lie down, we tend to fall asleep. We can't help it - we are overworked, overstimulated, and in need of rest. 

.   .   .   

One night around the age of about 6, my dad was putting my sister and I to bed. I was lying on my back with the soles of my feet on the bed and my knees in the air as he tucked me in. 

"You can't fall asleep like that," Dad told me. 

My child-brain interpreted this literally, as any parent-trusting youth would. I in fact believed that it was humanly impossible to fall asleep in this position.

So for the following several weeks, I was determined to prove him wrong. Each night after my parents tucked us in and left the room, I assumed the impossible sleep position, only to awake with legs straight or curled into my chest. As I would lie there in defeat, I became more convinced that my dad was in fact always right.

Until one night I awoke, (probably having not yet even really fallen asleep, but those are just details), and MY KNEES WERE RAISED! 

I had done the impossible. 

I was astonished at the powers I posessed, but I knew I could not bear to tell my dad that he was wrong, so I kept it to myself, for probably another few years (entirely too long), until I thought about it again and realized, my dad merely meant, "it would not be ideal to try to fall asleep like that, though, come to think of it, it is possible to fall asleep in many positions - sitting up, at your desk, or even sometimes while driving."

.   .   . 

When I learned you maybe shouldn't meditate lying down, something in my head struck that old chord, as I was transported back to my 6 year old girl self, ready to prove the world wrong. 

I tried still meditation practice in many seated positions, but nothing got me into the zone like lying on my back with my knees up does. And so, that's how I prefer to meditate at night. 

And I almost never fall asleep. 

Can I borrow some courage?

My friend Jessie is an incredible writer, a rad feminist, and a pop culture connoisseur. I look up to her for being so unabashedly, unapologetically unashamed of her fuck-ups and stumbles along the path of life. 

In her most recent post she talks about happiness and relationships. In one particularly poignant part, she muses: 

‎"But attaining happiness isn’t the same as sustaining it. And it’s not like you get happy and it just stays with you from then on out. You can lose happiness just as much as you can gain it."

I know this all too well, as I spend a large part of my life researching, practicing, and quite often failing to understand the science of happiness. And though I have had far too many glimpses of happiness to complain, I do know that the most challenging part of happiness is maintaining it. 

For us "feminists" or "independent women" or "single ladies", or whatever the hell you want to call us, as much as we rant against letting our relationships define us, we do know that our happiness is inextricably linked to our relationships with other humans, especially the romantic ones. 

In her recent post (seriously, if you haven't read her blog yet, do it and then come back mkay?), Jess took off all her protective fem-armor, and talked some real talk about relationships. This got me wondering, could I do that? 

Really, could I? 

After all, I myself have experienced some of that make-everyone-else-want-to-vomit type happiness, which, unfortunately or fortunately, was while I was in a relationship. And just as Jessie points out that happiness can be lost, I of course did lose mine. I just don't know how to talk about it without sounding bitter. It is a fine line, and being honest usually gets you called a sap, a bitter bitch, or just gets you sympathy -- none of which I want, so I guess I'll keep my mouth shut until I can borrow some of that courage from my girl Jessie. 

Ok really, go read her blog.

The time I got addicted to Intervention

It was a normal winter day, cold and kind of gray outside, but it didn't make much of a difference, because I was in a hermetically sealed windowless office. My computer, which I believe was from 1999 (seriously, it had a tower. how long has it been since computers had towers??), and almost everyone was gone on holiday vacation. I was working in the U.S. for the French government, so while they all jetted back across the Atlantic, I stayed in Atlanta, where is was always slightly too warm to feel like it was really Christmas time.

My friend and I had developed a ritual where we would hang out and drink a six pack of beer, eat frozen pizza, and shoot the shit while we watched intervention. Sometimes we would watch 3-4 episodes in one sitting, adding our own commentary to the narrator's while  we cracked open another beer and smoked cigarettes out the window. 

Something about watching others' lives in complete shambles made us feel better about our lives only being in shards. We could act like total carefree dummies while we watched other people be bigger ones. 

It was around this time when I caught myself sitting in my office, with next to no work to do, watching intervention on my ancient computer. 

I texted my friend to tell her what I was doing and she reacted as any normal friend should:

"Oh my god Brittany, what are you doing? You're addicted to intervention. We are going to have to have an intervention intervention!"

The sudden self-realization was obvious, and I had to reform. If I were ever going to get off the couch in time for spring, I had to get it together. And I did. 

I'm not going to lie and say I stopped right then and there. Sometimes I relapse and catch an episode here and there, but I keep it under control. Plus, I've sort of switched over to hoarders. It makes me feel better about the clothes on my floor. 

Falling out of love

...with technology. 

I go through phases where I can't stop reading, watching, writing, photographing, updating, listening, consuming.

And then, like a gluttonous child who's eaten too much cake at her birthday party, I just curl up in bed and want to ignore it all. The constant stream is often too much to keep up with. Sometimes I need a break. And not a 10 minute meditation at the end of the day. I mean a few weeks where I just sort of zone out. 

I'm not saying that I don't spend the better portion of most days on the internet, but I will say that sometimes I just stop listening to NPR in the morning, don't listen to much music, I quit following the news, won't call my family, and completely forget about pop culture.

My brain just overloads and then shuts down. And then I inevitably pick up where I left off and keep going. But, I wonder what other people's tolerances are. Does anyone else ever spend an entire day staring at the screen and only crossing two things off the to-do list? Does anyone else get home from a mentally exhausting day and have dinner in bed-- that dinner consisting of red wine and cookies, but still, does anyone else do that? Am I alone here? Can I get an amen? Anyone? Are there any horse socks? Is anyone listening to me. 

Fashion Clowns

so much clownin' around. 

Couture Clowns?

Tech bubble / time warp

You know what's awesome about technology? That we can stay in contact with our friends around the world. I can email my friends in Normandy and we can arrange for me to visit by LIVE VIDEO CHATTING, and then I get in an airplane and fly through the the air like a princess on a magic carpet.

You know what is NOT awesome about technology? That we are in such constant contact that no one ever shuts the hell off. I just keep getting emails until 5 am, and then they stop for 5 minutes. And then they start again.

And the absolute worst place to live for all of this is the east coast. You get screwed by Europe who makes you get out of bed early and then leaves you hanging in the middle of the day. You get screwed by the west coast who rolls into work at 1pm your time and really only gets the ball rolling by the time you should be going home.

.................

My friend living in Africa was at a wedding this weekend where the groom was TWO HOURS LATE. And no explanation. He was just running late. This friend also explained the difference between saying "now" (which means 'yeah whenever the hell I feel like it'...Aka maybe in 4 hours or so) and "now now now now now" (which translates to 'hurry the fuck up. This is not a drill')

How can cultures have such wildly different concepts of time??

Also, I gotta move somewhere where time doesn't exist.

No Exit

In high school my favorite subjects were French and English, and even as a pre-teen my preferred literary movements were existentialism and transcendentalism. My favorite historical time periods were the Age of Enlightenment and La Belle Epoque. 

Honey, I'm sad

In college I had a poster of Kurt Cobain on my dorm room wall that said, "I hate myself and I want to die, and then when I graduated and moved to a town so beautiful, it is literally a living Cézanne painting. 

Yeah, so I'm a walking paradox. 

I don't even care how ridiculous yet cliché that all sounds strung together, but it does explain why I often feel mostly like a tormented, fragmented and lost soul who somehow remains constantly in search of true happiness, higher truths and eternal bliss. 

My dichotomous literary proclivities and penchant for opposite end of the spectrum living conditions, led me to fully comprehend and embrace at a young and impressionable age Sartre's idea that, "L'enfer, c'est les autres," yet I still somehow remain dedicated to finding a life path where I could, "live deep and suck out all the marrow of life."

So sometimes I feel like a complete fraud. As if, just because I want to explore life's purpose, that for some reason means I'm not allowed to also sometimes feel empty, lost and completely annoyed by everyone and everything around me. 

I also have a hard time accepting the low existential moments in life where you reevaluate and question everything, because I know that it can also be lavender fields and honey. 

A gap in time

In running from one thing to the next, trying to stay afloat, trying to "make it" (which sometimes means just barely getting by), it's important to stop and look around. Stop and see where you are and where you're going. Who do you want to be and more importantly, what are you going to do to become that person?

... because if you don't take the time to do this once in a while, you'll just end up wide awake at 5am thinking about it all at once.

sans titre

you can't always be happy, but you don't have to always be sad

Tuliameni Kalomoh.

A close friend who has been serving in the Peace Corps for almost three years sent me an amazing email the other day that got my wheels turning. Where she lives in Namibia, it is common, and actually necessary, to hitch-hike in order to get around. The other day she was picked up by former Namibian Ambassador to the U.S. She shared his incredible story and thoughts on African life, family, post-apartheid, and other deep thoughts. 

The most striking part she shared was this: 

What are we doing with this access to knowledge? 

"He mentioned that the main thing he misses about living in America is cheap and easy access to books, which doesn't really exist in Namibia. Windhoek is one of the only places with bookstores, and the selection is not spectacular/things are expensive. It's nearly impossible for Namibian teachers to develop a "culture of reading" with their learners when books - especially quality books - are so hard to come by."

As an obsessive reader and media addict, this put things in necessary perspective and made me begin to question my reality. We are living in an information sharing age where we have constant access to anything we could ever imagine. In one click, I was able to read about the man who had sat next to my friend in Namibia and made these observations. 

And we have all this access to information, yet we squander it. We can know anything and everything, but we choose to devote our time to taking pictures of our food, "liking" stuff, and looking at Kim Kardashian's shoes. What will it take for us to appreciate what we have and begin using it for good? 

And side question for just me - how can I bring information and technology to Africa, and who wants to help me? Let's do that. 

Game face

Each week in teaching my yoga students I encourage them to let go of the ego and remove the facade they are required to keep up all day. As we slowly dig deeper, I encourage them to open themselves up to whatever may come - be it good or bad - and learn to accept themselves, and life as it is. Through practicing this each week in a safe and sacred place, it is my hope that they will slowly become more accepting of themselves and others. I personally believe that it is through acceptance and non judgement that we will become a happier, more peaceful, and more accepting society.

That is the yin.

This is the yang. I also exist in the corporate world where none of these practices are valued, or even tolerated in many cases. We are expected to wear a mask and keep up the illusion, despite strenuous and stressful circumstances. Showing any signs of vulnerability are frowned upon and viewed as weak.

So how can we reconcile these two worlds? Yoga teaches the value of balance, and for the yin to exist, we must have yang. The yang cannot be discounted or ignored.

In my personal experience coexisting in these two worlds often leaves me feeling like a crazy person being pulled constantly in two vastly different directions.

I would love nothing more than to renounce my current existence and live a life of yin, a life of calm, a life of peace. But what value would I be to society then? How could I connect to people in need if I had no concept of their reality? What is my pain and struggle here to teach me? How can I reconcile the two worlds and feel whole?

Just some questions to consider over the weekend...

I'm in Advertising

When people ask what I do for a living, depending on the questioner's age and general familiarity with technology, I come up with some vague, internetty answer. For example, if said person is over 80, I will answer very basically with something like, "I work for a website." If the person is around 30-40, I'll tell them I work in media, and if they're a media-savvy millennial with an iphone glued to their head, I'll tell them I work for a YouTube channel. 


All of these answers are true, but I could just sum it all up in terms they'd all understand and admit I work in advertising. More specifically, the sales side of advertising... I mean, I do work for a YouTube channel, and YouTube is the fourth largest website in the world, so I'm never technically lying. However, I don't want to tell anyone I work in advertising because that would be sort of like admitting something horrifically embarrassing like I bite my toenails or something. (For the record, I do not bite my toenails, nor have I ever bitten any nails.) 

itsallyogababy

I'm reminded of a moment in this season's Mad Men where Don's father-in-law (the liberal father of his Canadian wife), is speaking with Pete about his job in advertising. The leftist intellectual father-in-law is condescendingly asking Pete what he does in that snarky way where he knows what advertising is, but is implying that it is more or less the equivalent of being a hitman. I don't remember the specific dialogue, but Pete basically asks the liberal father-in-law what he does for a living, and then proceeds to ask him why it was important to him. After the father-in-law's gives his explanation, Pete responds humbly, "And my job is to make sure people know that." 


This. This was a curveball I needed to hear. Pete was right, advertising is important in order for people to know about things they wouldn't otherwise have known. If we break it down that small, ok, it is an acceptable field. I just needed to accept my lot in this current state of life and get on with it. 




Here's where I come back into this story: So, I recently became a certified yoga teacher, and in starting out, advertising myself is actually pretty important. Letting people know when my classes are ensures there will be people who show up with a mat. My advertising/YouTube/media/website skills have come in handy in everything from creating a website to establishing my presence (ie, establishing a brand), writing facebook updates to let people know when I'm subbing a last-minute class (social marketing), filming and uploading videos to my own channel (multi platform presence), hell, I've even created Adwords campaigns. I can't deny advertising has its important aspects in teaching me about succeeding and having an influence in this society. 


When used appropriately, advertising and marketing are a mode of communication to share messages about something created and desired to be shared with others. After all, yoga is all about sharing. But lately I've begun to wonder, where is the level when advertising becomes inappropriate? As fellow teachers around me also strive to create their own presence, the constant influx of self-marketing in my feed has start to become a bit excessive. In the industry, this would be considered "user burnout." The user is no longer even seeing the message. 


Anytime I post a picture of myself in a sick headstand or make some update on my weekly schedule, I can't help but wonder, are people even seeing this anymore? Have we taken this to excess? Was I actually right all along and advertising is in fact evil? But then again, I'm the one blogging about it, so what do I know about being excessive. I guess I'm going to go meditate on that. 

Learning to speak

Given that I am a southerner who was raised going to church, a yoga teacher, a humanitarian, and have a mother who obsessively makes sure everything is perfect and everyone is happy, it's hard for me to remember to take care of myself and speak up about my own needs. Without sounding like a martyr, I like to put others' happiness before my own.  I am the person who lets everyone else choose their cupcake first and ends up getting whatever is left. 

Maybe it's just a coping mechanism to ignore my own problems, maybe it's because science has proven that doing good deeds for others makes yourself happy, or maybe it's just my nature. Either way, I often go out of my way to make others comfortable, often at my own expense. Even worse, I tend not to speak up about the things I want in order to appease others. 

I can't give up my nature and abandon helping others, but I can make a vow to worry more about myself. Taking on others' worries, fears and issues only makes me less able to help myself and others. I am also learning to listen to myself and give my needs a voice. If you really hate rainbow cupcakes, speak up and pick yours first so you don't end up resenting everyone else. That's my practice. 

Pros/Cons: New York City

So, is this how people end up on the west coast? 

{Back}Light on Yoga

Just messin around. Thought if I made a video with cats that I would become internet famous... That's a rule, right?

Something existential

Something existential must be in the air, because I appear to be not the only one contemplating the direction and path of my life this morning. Maybe it's the heat... or maybe I just have too many philosophical friends. Either way, it is not even 9 am and I have already had two similar conversations with two different friends about life, direction and meaning. But then again, that is really kind of how every day is for me. 

Without delving into too many details (because they are more or less irrelevant, and this quote can be applied to really any situation), my friend texted me from her situation this morning, and really summed it all up beautifully: "I'm still in that phase of like I'm totally comfortable and then I freak the fuck out when I realize where I am and for how long. I swear my life is nothing like I thought it'd be."


I'm not sure if I'm exactly where I thought I'd be, or if I don't even know how I got here. I'm not sure if I love or hate it here. I'm not sure if I want something else, or exactly this. It seems to change day to day. Maybe it all depends on if the subway comes on time. Maybe not. 


But seriously, this is where I am. I swear my life is nothing like I thought it'd be. Or it's exactly how I thought it'd be. I'm still not certain. But I like to question things. The day I stop being curious is the day I won't want to live anymore. 

Stop "liking" me and just like me

And now an interruption from the regularly scheduled programming of uplifting posts for a slightly darker one. This isn't a rant really, just a plea for people to become more genuine. Put your money where your mouth is. Do what you say, and say what you do. Be real. All of that. 


It isn't enough to just click "like" and feel like you've done something. If someone posts about their upcoming (insert self-promotional event here), they don't just need your "likes", they are probably hoping you'll actually show up. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there, and it takes literally no effort to click "like." I'm thrilled to know people care about me, but sometimes I need a deeper caring, a less superficial caring. I'm not saying I'm not also guilty of this. I am saying that sometimes I need a hug, not a wall post. Sometimes I need a friend, not a friend request. Sometimes I need my friends to drag their ass to another borough, even if it isn't convenient, because the fact is, I would do the same for them. Give a little more, and take a little less.  -end rant-

Journey through the chakras

I drank the kool-aid

photo by @kelseynovi

When I decided to move to New York City, I knew that it was something I had to do in my life, and I also knew that I wouldn't stay here forever. Living here is almost like being in school with all the lessons you learn on a daily basis. I imagined I would come here, get my degree in NYC snobbery, and move on, back to my humble roots. 


A friend advised, "Everyone should live in New York once in their life. Just don't stay too long, and don't drink the kool-aid."


Last night after teaching my yoga class, while I was sitting on the India Pier in Greenpoint at sunset, drinking wine, I realized, I may have drank the kool-aid....

The space in between

inbetween

It's difficult not to fixate on the big moments, the marking events, the beginnings and the ends. If we were to sum up our day, week, year, or life, we would focus on a few specific events and forget everything in between. 


When we pause to appreciate those delicious moments in between the hustle, that's when we can experience simply being. But instead of relishing those delicious little moments, we run around like crazy people, our brain rarely ever even synced with our bodies. Our hands are typing a text while our feet walk us down the sidewalk and our brain makes a grocery list. Challenge yourself to take a second and see if you can focus your hands, feet and mind on the same thing, for even a second... Sounds easy-- I guarantee your brain will scurry off on its own agenda in a millisecond or two. 


We can practice focusing on these moments by using an anchor to root our attention. By linking the mind and the body into doing one thing together, using both simultaneously, we can practice honing in on that little space in between, which when you zoom close enough, is infinite. 

Facebook updated? Ugh, I'm never going on there again.

Ok, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm 99% sure that Facebook ordered my friends by how much I like them. I can't begin to imagine what that algorithm was, but I'm fairly certain it is accurate. Can someone check that and verify? 

Making sense of randomness

It takes very specific circumstances to create specific
results. If we are attentive, we can watch them align
to create something magical. 

I have a very loud internal voice that is always questioning whether things happen for a reason, or if they are completely random. Are things pre-determined, or does everything happen spontaneously and independently? If we only look forward, then it is all random, because nothing has happened yet. But if we look back, doesn't everything seem to line up? Isn't the reason you are living in that city because of the job you decided to leave? Didn't the bad breakup teach you about what was and wasn't true love, and didn't it lead you to consider something different as a result? 


The truth that I choose to believe is that each action has a reaction. Each effect had a cause. We can choose to pay attention to these relationships, or we can completely ignore them and say it is all just random. The truth that I choose to believe is that, even if someone randomly stumbles across some mind chatter I chose to write on a blog that no one ever sees or knows about, that reading my words can resonate with them somehow. Maybe it was exactly what they needed to hear at that exact moment. Maybe my positive action can have a positive reaction. 


Pay attention. Stay alert. See the connections. You can only see them if you are watching. It takes very specific circumstances to create specific reactions and results in nature, and within ourselves. If we are attentive, we can watch them align to create something magical. 

Go get it.

Goals. We all have them. We all look towards certain things we see happening in our lives; some are near, and some are very, very far off. When we measure our success and gauge how far we have come to attaining a certain goal, we often feel frustrated and led astray by the mundane tasks of daily life. As we focus in more and more on the goal, it can begin to feel further and further out of our reach. We may even abandon the goal in the midst of our frustrations and entirely lose hope in ever reaching our destination. 


If we shift our perception to focus on the now rather than the end result, our goals suddenly seem attainable. Though they may still be far off, we can focus instead on getting there, rather than becoming frustrated by not already being there. Suddenly the mundane tasks of daily life become crucial steps in the journey to reaching our goal. It is said that no effort on the path is ever wasted, and when we look back, we often recognize how each minute detail got us to a certain spot. Yet when we look into the future, we cannot yet see how these dots will connect, so we become disheartened. 


The blog you never started, the job you never pursued, the project you never finished.. all of those abandoned tasks we gave up because of our fear of never completing them. Practice and all is coming. None of those efforts were wasted, because they taught you something, in one way or another, whether you see it yet or not. Sometimes efforts toward one goal will later serve you in pursuing another. So let go of guilt for not yet completing your goals, and enjoy the process of getting there. 

Beginning. Middle. End.

Beginning. Middle. End. 

The rains have come to wash away the last remains of winter and take us from spring and into summer. Just as the sun rises every morning and each evening it sets; nature continues in its cycle, always on time and never behind. 


We watch this cycle year after year, and yet forget that we are also a part of it. And for some reason we cling to the past, to our former self. Why is it that we can't accept transition with open arms the way nature does? Fear. We don't know what the future holds, therefore we cling to the past, and in turn miss out on the present. 


Let us learn to let go of that fear and to embrace change. Let us rid ourselves of old habits that no longer serve us, so as to make space for new. As we practice becoming more attuned to the cycles around us - of their beginnings, middle, and endings - may we learn to also become a part of the cycle. May we learn to stop fearing what lies ahead and to know that the rains will always arrive to wash us clean and prepare us for the next season our lives hold. 

Doing something good for you doesn't always feel good. In fact, very often it feels horrible at first. The benefit may not be immediately in sight, but you know it's there, and everyone has told you to trust them, it's for the best. It is for the best. 

Be your health

"Your emotions, thoughts, and beliefs can make you sick – or well."

Omg, grow up

Though phone calls have become somewhat a thing of the past, I still enjoy the 90s mode of communication when it comes to in-depth catch ups with friends I only get to see a couple times a year. So last night I called a good friend whom I've known since high school. One great thing about embracing growing up is watching your friends grow up and succeed. This friend, one I am particularly proud of, is finishing up his first year of law school, a daunting task he took on after working for a state senator for a few years in D.C. My call caught him in the middle of preparing for his oral opening argument the next day, so of course I wanted to hear! "Fine, I'll do the intro for you and then you can decide if you want to hear more," he told me. 


After a few "You can't handle the truth!" jokes, he began, and I listened intently as the same friend with whom I've partied in multiple cities on multiple occasions into the early hours of the morning, suddenly transformed into a character from Law and Order. I hung on every word, impressed with how he had mastered what sounded to me like a foreign language. He finished, and after a moment of silence I exclaimed with enthusiasm, "Omg you're like a real adult!!" Humbly he responded, "Yeah, I'm kind of freaking out about that." 


It's a known fact that most people tend to freak out or break down in law school due to the demanding amount of work coupled with impossible amounts of reading whilst being surrounded by ambitious peers and intensely ruthless professors. Given his experience in the real work world before going back to school, my friend was less shocked by these factors and more alarmed at the harsh reality that, this is going to be his life. He is a grown up now. And as hard as law school may be, it's only the beginning of what will eventually be long trek through adulthood. As the next several years were laid before him, he had a chance to reflect on the very real fact that he was no longer a kid. 


No one, not even ourselves, denies that this generation has been reluctant to grow up. As our 20s stretch into what is soon to be our 30s for a lot of us, we are slowly realizing the reality of what it may be to have to care about people other than ourselves, not drink ourselves into oblivion 4 nights a week, and finally be completely financially independent. It's a scary and harsh reality that most of us don't want to face, but maybe it's time to embrace the beginning of a new era. By clearing out the destructive habits that no longer serve us, we can make room for new experiences and lessons. Maybe we can't download everything we could ever want for free forever. Maybe we have to start following rules. Maybe we can't sleep til 3 pm every weekend and stumble to brunch in our clothes from last night. Maybe it's time to finally grow up, like they keep telling us. I don't know, maybe?

People have gotten too good at canceling

Excuse me for sounding a little Andy Rooney or whatever, but people don't keep their promises anymore. It's just too easy to send an email or text at the last minute and never have to look you in the eyes and spit out their crappy made-up excuse. 


People treat work meetings and dinner with a friend with the same lack of respect because everyone else does it, and it's easy to be fickle and flakey. There was once a time when, if you made plans with someone and didn't show up, there was no way to alert that person. You couldn't send a quick 140 character message 20 minutes before your rendez-vous at the movies, because they would never get it and end up waiting half an hour before giving up or calling the police. They would worry where you were. They would be concerned for your well-being. 


Now, if you want to cancel, you don't even have to elaborate. You can just say that something came up last minute, and the other person can't question your motives, or even be upset. It's completely acceptable to text someone, knowing they are already on the subway to meet you, with "emergency at work! so srry, can't make it!!"


I understand we live in a society where people are constantly connected and therefor constantly bombarded with demands and requests from every corner. I know emergencies do happen, and I know I've done it too. But can we all maybe just try to respect one another's time a little better? 

Did you try restarting?

In our completely technology-driven society, most people have learned the beauty of restarting. An iPhone, a computer, a wireless router-- it seems that 99% of problems with most devices can be solved just by resetting. The reasons behind this, I do not know. The results, I am quite familiar with. 


The brain seems to work in a similar fashion. And why shouldn't it? We are the ones inventing technology, so it only makes sense that the functions would mimic those of our brains. Sometimes just hitting the reset button can also solve most of our issues and work out the bugs in the mental system. 


So how do you restart? For me it means shutting my brain off for a while through meditation. To get into a state off meditation is somewhat of a process still in refinement for me-- I have to move before I can be still-- so I move my body and focus on my breath, which shifts the focus from mind to body. Once the mind is quieted and some excess energy is burned off, I can sit in silence. That silence is my reboot. The mind is quiet, the screen goes dark, everything stops spinning for at least a few moments. 


When I open my eyes, it's like the system has started fresh. So when the mind seems to be plagued by glitches and is suffering from an unknown malfunction, remember: depress the button, breathe, release. 

Prasadanam · Undisturbed Calmness

"By cultivating attitudes of 

friendliness toward the happy, 

compassion for the unhappy, 

delight in the virtuous, 

and disregard toward the wicked, 

the mind retains its undisturbed calmness."

                                        - The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali

Don't Quit

Maybe its something in the air, on the news, or some trend making the rounds on facebook, or perhaps its just people jumping on the Lent bandwagon, whether they are Catholic or not, but my radar is blowing up with people giving something up. Whether it's coffee, sugar, meat, alcohol, or some other random thing they consider to be a vice, people LOVE quitting something, and even more than that, they LOOOOOVE talking about it all the time and making sure EVERYONE knows about it. 

Look, I don't knock anyone for trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I think we could all head in a more health conscious direction, but in my personal experience, depriving myself of something only makes me want it 10 times more. And judging by how often people talk about what they've given up, most people would probably agree that when you forbid yourself of something, your mind becomes consumed by that. I've even witnessed people become so utterly consumed by whatever they have decided to give up, that the end result is an inevitable binge, thus completely negating their efforts. 

Even birds like a little coffee
now and again. 

And when we binge, we regret. So the cycle goes something like this-- love something, love it too much, overindulge, give it up, think about that thing day and night, binge, wallow in regret and self-loathing, rinse, repeat. 

My point is, if you're engaging in this cycle, you aren't really accomplishing anything except proving that you have no will-power. And it shouldn't really be a question of will-power, because like every flawed human being, we do not have iron wills. We all give in to temptation and worldly desires, albeit some more than others, but no one is perfect. 

My suggestion, as with most things -- work, religion, politics, eating, drinking, etc. -- is to practice moderation. No one likes an extremist. And setting unrealistic goals is really just setting yourself up for failure. A cup of coffee is not lethal when you have one cup in the morning. When you are drinking a couple pots a day, it's probably time to take a step back and reassess why are you are overindulging. But please, I don't want to deal with any more mood snaps because you haven't had a diet coke in 48 hours. Keep it moderate people. For your sanity and mine. 

Not Jaded

It's sad and alarming to me how often I have lately heard people claim, "I'm just so jaded." The fact that people are jaded, especially in New York City, does not surprise me in the least. What does surprise me is- 1. the fact that the people saying this are young, way too young to be making this claim, and 2. that when people do make this statement, they do so with a sense of pride, almost as if being jaded is a badge of honor. 

It frightens me that people consider being jaded something they feel the need to brag about. Just to break it down, let's review-- jaded means: dulled or satiated by overindulgence; worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse; dissipated. I can't seem to grasp why people would feel accomplished at having become dull as a result of overindulging and wearied by too much work. 

If you feel complacent and dulled, and things that should elicit certain responses are no longer resonating with you, it is probably time to step back and analyze why this is. If you are no longer experiencing life, you should probably either change your perception of things or make a bigger change that will help alter your outlook. There are a myriad of ways to help a jaded person once again find the newness in daily life, and with a little effort, I truly believe that everyone can find something to awaken what may seem to have disappeared from living, but is really just lying dormant. 

Whatever one may choose to make life stimulating again, it is important to remember that it won't happen alone. Even more important, remember that being jaded is not something to be proud of. It does not mean you are more mature, more experienced, or more important than others who seem affected. There is a vast difference between being in control of your reactions and feelings, and being dulled, worn out, and weary. First, figure out which one you are. Second,  decide which one you want to be. 

What it Means to Me to be a Yogini

• Becoming connected with my inner self through increased consciousness and awareness, in both the body and the mind.

• Following a path of continual growth, learning and fulfillment to become the greatest version of myself that I can be.

Salamba Sirsasana

• Breaking free of ingrained habits, desires, thoughts and actions that impede me from this growth.

• Learning and sharing ancient wisdom among a community of yogis and going out into the world to share these teachings through non-invasive and conscious living.

• Practicing a daily discipline that pervades every sense of my life and being.

• Accepting the past as it is and using that to learn and grow in a direction of truth and improvement.

Shit moms say

mom: how do i get pandora to play my song

me:  press play?

mom:  where?

           i just have a favorite list of artist that shuffle

              maroon five is one of them

Santosha

santosha anuttamah sukha labhah YS 2.42

From an attitude of contentment (santosha), supreme joy is obtained.

"There is no end of craving. Hence contentment alone is the best way to happiness. Therefore, acquire contentment." -Swami Sivananda

Today I am reminded to practice patience and be content and thankful for the present. I will always strive for more, and that desire will never end. With each achievement or failure, we go on searching and wanting only more. Instead of tapping my foot and bouncing back and forth with impatience, I am instead striving to reach a place where I can appreciate each moment for what it can teach me. 

At the present moment I am grateful for the following ten things: 

May I learn to enjoy vacuuming as much as this

1. The opportunities which have led me to this stage in my life. 
2. My amazing nephew, whose smile alone can turn a bad mood into a lovely day.
3. The lessons I've learned from failure. 
4. The humility I learned from living in the South. 
5. The joie de vivre I learned from living in France. 
6. The ambition and creativity I am learning living in New York. 
7. Those who showed me things I want to be, and those who showed me what I do not want to be. 
8. The way music can turn an ordinary day in to a extraordinary one. 
9. Choosing to spend my first winter in the north during one of the warmest, sunniest winters New York City has ever known. 
10. The happiness I take in making lists.