Holidaze.

my break turned me all kinds of upside down. how was yours?

Holiday break! Always a roller coaster of emotions as I take that lovely nostalgic trip down memory lane. Drudging up all the crap from the past that I thought I had left in my wake, those events that shaped and also hardened me, make their way back to haunt me, taking multiple forms for a less-than-stellar mindfuck. 

My holiday break felt slightly off with both of my sisters absent and tending to their new families. My singledom thus became the forefront of nearly every conversation. As a single 28-year-old female, especially in the south, I had to answer a lot of questions regarding my wanderlust lifestyle. 

Holding my friend's newborn, I was forced to confront the question of whether or not I made the right decision in following my passions and remaining a self-reliant and adventurous woman, or if I would be happier settling down, or just settling. 

To add a layer of confusion to my augmenting anxiety, my emotional blasts-from-the-past seemed to be centered on the theme of my cheating ex-boyfriend who ripped my heart out in my mid-twenties. Being older and wiser, I like to think I have let go of the pain and anguish I suffered for nearly 5 years as I was held captive by my love for a guy who would never love me the way I deserved, and never love only me.  

Even at a New Year's Eve party, a random friend-of-a-friend I met looked at me with the kind of recognition that a girl only gives when she knows she's done something behind your back with your man. As we reviewed how she seemed to know me and I not her, it became clear to me that she had probably been among the many "other women." And once again the emotions of being duped by someone I loved came rushing back. I felt my breath shorten, as if someone were standing on my chest. 

. . . 

I'm a scorpio. By nature, when I love, I love hard. I am the kind of person who you want on your side, not only for my unwavering loyalty, but also because the vengeful nature of scorpios means you do not want us as an enemy. 

With hard loving comes a very selective entourage, and most of my friends remain friends for life. For the same reason I hate small talk and parties, I love an intense friendship where I can sense your needs before you even know what you need. 

But I can't love again yet, and it makes me sick. I want nothing more than to do away with the hurt that a stupid boy caused me. I want nothing more than to NEVER think about that hurt ever again, and more importantly, to never blog about a boy hurting me. That's just gross and so not my style. But here we are.